A better place to be....

 

I've not written about either of these topics for a while now.  Those pitiful few who have read this blog over the last couple of years will know - if they were paying any attention! - that both Covid and Depression have hit me hard, and may even have wondered how I'm getting on facing their challenges.

So time for an update then.

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Covid has not gone away, nor will it any time soon.  There was a good column in The Guardian today suggesting that the UK Government, that collection of fools and Brexiteers run by the incompetent Serial Liar, is in denial about this, and acting as if nothing had happened these last few Pandemic Years.  No masking, no social distancing, no free testing, a slow down in vaccination uptake......all the time while case numbers are at present rising (and yes, I know the rates are, thank Christ, way lower than they were even a year ago, never mind earlier), people are still being hospitalised and dying from the illness, and over 2million are suffering - something like 826,000 of them for more than a year - from the mysterious (because ill-researched) Long Covid.  The article made some good points.  But Britain is not alone.  

Many countries are following a similar open path (for want of a better term) through these times.  There have been recent outbreaks in China, in India and other Asian nations that have resulted in more strict lockdowns (notably in Shanghai).  Even in the US, numbers of hospitalisations and deaths continue to be high and show little sign of dropping off yet.  The much vaunted vaccination programs have made a difference, certainly, but increasingly they are running out of momentum - so the possibilities of further mutation are a certainty and further outbreaks high.

People seem to have come to a conclusion that a couple of jabs is enough to protect them, but this is not so.  All the vaccines were swiftly invented, manufactured and distributed as a challenge to the original strain, and in that were largely successful and saved countless lives.  But Covid has mutated, several times already, and none of the vaccines are fully effective against all the strains.  It's lucky that, so far, the mutations have not been as virulent as the original strain - but at some point it's quite likely that something much worse, a really bad mutation, is going to come along and we will be back to square one.  Or worse......in uncharted territory.  

One can only hope that governments and pharma companies are aware of this and are working hard at playing catch up and trying to develop something that works better and lasts longer.   I originally had the single dose Jansson vaccine in April 2021, and a booster six months later in November that was the Biontech one and the doctor who gave me that laughingly told me that the Jansson had probably lost 80% of its efficacy in those 6 months.  I'm assuming I should be due something else already, but there is no information about further booster scheduling here.  It's as if the Polish Health Department has decided it's job done and moved on......  

But I'm ok.  Touch wood, stroke the rabbit's foot etc etc, I seem to have missed out on the various newer strains that still circulate (although a couple of times I've had coughs and colds that felt a bit Covid-y so maybe not...) and I'm getting on with life, trying not to think too much about it.  I still mask from time to time, in crowded places, and get very strange looks from everyone, but do my best to avoid such situations where I can.  I'm not living like a hermit, just simply being careful - and I wish to God more people would do the same!

But Long Covid worries me.  There is still so much science and the medical professions still haven't figured out about it.  There seem to be no obvious - at least that I've seen reported - reasons as to why one person may get it and others not, and amongst those who do get it, why some people get it far worse than others.  Nor why in some cases it clears up in a matter of days and at other times it can linger for months (and now into years).  I have a sneaking suspicion I may have it, in that some of the most common symptoms - like increased and strong fatigue, a lack of concentration, poor and irregular sleep patterns, and a likelihood that even the slightest suggestion of a sniffle can hit you like a ton of bricks - are things that I've noticed in myself these last couple of years.  I did mention it to my local GP, and was met by shrugged shoulders, a blank stare, and "don't worry it will go eventually" - not really what I was after (namely some advice and reassurance) but all I was going to get.  I may be completely up the wrong track anyway, as the "symptoms" could also simply be down to my increasing age - 70 next year.  I simply don't know - which is of course the worst thing.

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Covid of course has been a major factor in the increase in recent years of Depression - and I can fully understand that.  When there is something wrong, apparently physical (whether growing old or suffering from some un-diagnosed malady) or mentally, it's easy to get increasingly worried about it - and then it's but a short step, it seems to me, to Depression.  Get to that point, and every little thing, no matter how trivial, can seem like a catastrophe, like the End of the World.  That I think, after much reflection these past 12 months, was the root of my own issues.

I was going through the inevitable life changes and adjustments brought about by my retirement - finding a place in this world, something to occupy my mind, adjusting to a much reduced income, figuring out what really interested me - and just beginning make some progress after nearly a year of enjoying having Time To Think, when the Pandemic hit.  In what seemed overnight, the world shut down and all the plans and dreams I had been tentatively forming disappeared out of the window.  My global horizon shrunk to less than a square kilometre around the apartment block where I could exercise the dog.  My home felt increasingly like a prison cell.  

Then I caught Covid, twice within about six months, the second time very badly.  The first attack took more than I realised out of me both physically and mentally.  Then things improved, and we were able to start doing things, get out and about - and I celebrated by having an accident that led to a brief hospitalisation.  The injuries were relatively minor but painful, and healed quickly, just in time for me to catch Covid again, and badly.  I struggled through that, and eventually started getting going out again, despite feeling like shite, then had another, worse accident, that led to more hospitalisation and surgery.  I recovered, but the injury has left some slight (and permanent) disability in one arm and hand that I can manage fine without any real problem - but I'm aware of it and have to be careful.  And it's all left me increasingly accident prone, my hand-eye co-ordination all over the place.  I'm always dropping things or knocking things over, much to my Beloved's (understandable) annoyance.

Which is when everything mounted up, piled into a mind left fragile from these incidents (all happening within a 12 month period, remember) and knocked me for six.  Everything, and I mean everything, was terrible and part of some doolally conspiracy to make my life a misery.  I was the classic victim, imagining all kinds of slights, blaming myself for everything that was not perfect in This World, This Life.......

Essentially, I was confused as much as Depressed, I think.  I was being unreasonable with everyone around me, and especially with myself, and that made me more unhappy (as it did them of course).  I've read loads of stuff, including some workbooks one of my sons sent me about coping with depression, tried some simple meditation (difficult to do when, through home circumstances, I have nowhere I can shut myself away to do it), and tried to reason it all out with a minimal support network.  I also took a conscious decision to reduce my social media time, and reduced drastically the amount of time spent consuming the news from the BBC, CNN, The Guardian and other sources - it was all simply too distressing (especially after 24 February this year).  Now I focus on stuff that interests me - mainly sports, culture (The Graun has a very good section of book reviews and music stuff every day), personal technology and travel.  I devour certain YouTube content within the last two items in that list: it gives me ideas for trips to make when things improve financially (and are entertaining in their own right) and what tech and software to use to improve things I can do here, which is fun as well (at least it is for me).

I feel much better for it.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm appreciating it more now, and my head is clearer (even if concentration and tiredness and clumsiness remain problems).   I'm back out and about, exercising more, and my weight has come down a lot so I feel a lot better physically.  After a two year injury hiatus I'm back on the bike a lot, and mixing it with hiking too - yesterday, according to my Samsung Fitness tracker on the mobile I piled in a 31km bike ride and 17km hike (although I believe that last can't be an accurate number - perhaps closer to 10).  But whatever, it's not a bad effort for a bloke approaching 70, in temperatures in the mid 30sC, without a cloud in the sky - especially less than 48 hours after a 24km bike ride and 6km hike. .  

Has the depression gone?  I doubt it.  There are days, still, when I feel shite and have no enthusiasm for anything, but I think I've figured out how to manage it and lessen its bite.  I suspect it's something that will always be there in the background, like Covid, and I guess that its management will get harder, as inevitably time catches up with me and my strength, mental and physical, wanes - but I believe - I HAVE to believe! - that won't be for many years yet.

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So I'm in a much better place now.  It's not perfect - but then again, what is?  Life is precious, and passes far too quickly to dwell on the bad stuff that's in it   I'm striving to live each day as it comes, get the best out of each one, focus on the things that I love and enjoy - and that includes in First Place my family - and not dwell on past mistakes (while striving to learn from them).  We've all made them, but they are history: we can't change the past and it's frankly bloody stupid to carry that baggage.  I care about Now and the Future, not What Was.

Seems to be working at the moment, anyway.......