A State of Mind: Part 2. Still workin' on it....
We're into a New Year, I hope a much better year for all of us, so it's about time I kept my word and continued the story.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In truth, not a huge amount has changed. It's still there, and I know it will bite sometimes, usually when least expected. I can be as right as rain for hours, or sometimes days, at a time, feeling full of the joys of spring (even in the depths of this cold Polish winter), making plans, feeling optimistic......feeling - normal. Then, without warning - BANG! That all vanishes in a puff of smoke, and it's back to doom and gloom again.
The trigger for this sudden mood change? Well, anything really. A little spat with my Beloved over something trivial that would normally be laughed off or totally ignored. One of the kids being typically obstinate when asked to help with something (they're teenagers, for God's sake, so I expect them to be awkward little sods - so why does it affect me so badly?). The dog barking because she's bored and wants to play and I'm busy cooking the kids' lunch before they get in from school. Or demanding to go out for a walk but then refusing to go more than 10 paces before turning and trying to drag me home.
Or another piece of tomfoolery from that clueless oaf in Downing Street who seems hell bent on destroying my country, or that silly bigoted old sod running my adopted country from his seat on the back-benches, equally hell bent on dragging this place back 50 years to the grim Communist 1970s. Both of them, in their different ways, are threatening the futures of my children and grandchildren. And I can do nothing about it.....
All of these and more have blown me out of the water since the turn of the New Year.
----------------------------------------------------------
The thing is, when it does happen like that, it's so difficult to explain why I've suddenly fallen from, figuratively, Life and Soul of the Party to foul tempered Grumpy Old Man in the space of about 10 seconds. I know it's partly because those closest to me simply don't really understand what I'm going through or what's happening to me. To be honest nor do I, not really. The kids are probably too young: they just see this bloke who used to be such fun getting old before his time and don't know what to do - in fairness, neither so I. All I can do is try to keep a lid on my worst excesses and if I do overstep the mark, apologize. Whether that is good or acceptable parenting, showing unnecessary weakness, I'm not sure....but it's how I am. Taking after my dad.
And for my wife, God love her, it must be worse, because I'm not the man she fell in love with and married all those years ago. I know, I know: we've been together 20 years now, so of course we've both changed, and given the age difference it's bound to be more noticeable in me, but still....... We've always been able to laugh our way out from the various crises that have befallen us, and some of them have been fucking awful (and are still shadows on our lives after many years), but that seems to be more difficult to do now. But I forgive her, because I know some of those crises have hit her much worse than me and have left her in a difficult enough position as it is without having to walk on egg shells when I'm not up to snuff.
I suppose a better and wider support network would help ease some of that pressure, but unfortunately that is not something I have. There is a handful of old friends and family that I keep in touch with via social media, and one particular old work colleague that I Skype with on a regular basis to talk sport and politics and put the world to rights (and those calls are huge help), but that's about it. Calling some of them on the phone or via WhatsApp is challenging, because to be honest they have their own busy lives and families and problems to cope with, so getting through can be difficult and calls back rare. Again, I understand their positions. Locally, there is a handful of old friends, but none that I feel really comfortable unburdening on - whether through good old English reserve or the danger of Lost In Translation moments is open to question. Again, there is one old work colleague I talk to and meet from time to time for coffee in one of the malls, and doing so can help a lot, but for good and understandable reasons there are times when it's simply not possible to meet up.
In reality, I guess I need to find a therapist I can unload on, someone not from my family and friends, but a professional who can listen and talk and guide without being judgemental, but here they are difficult to find. Mental instability, for want of a better term, is the complaint that is never mentioned over here, and seems to be treated by cocktails of drugs that can be addictive with occasional stays in cold and forbidding hospitals. I know someone who has been receiving treatment in this way for "depression" for over 20 years and shows no sign of being even close to cured. It's not something I'm prepared to even consider, frankly. But psychotherapists appear thin on the ground, those with competence in the English language probably thinner still and no doubt charging premium rates that I doubt I can afford.
--------------------------------------------------------
So there you are. The good days outnumber the bad, thank God, as they always have since the start of this journey, and I don't seem to be any worse. I don't feel it, anyway. But I can't honestly say I feel much better.
I'm trying to focus my time on doing things I enjoy - writing this blog being a case in point: I think I've been more productive in the last two months than in the previous two years, or at least it feels that way, and the work has a bigger (albeit only slightly...) audience that I am trying to figure out how to grow further. It's also helping to unblock the creative mind and I'm getting back to other writing projects that hit a brick wall at some point during the Pandemic. I still have concentration issues, though, not only with writing but with reading too: even books I really enjoy are taking much longer to get through, and I find my mind wandering after only a couple of pages. I'm not sure that is the Depression or a Covid hangover though, because the problems both came in when I was ill with that, as did the poor and erratic sleep pattern and general lethargy that plague me.
I'm ok, I guess - could be better, but I know I could be a hell of a lot worse. I'll keep battling on, and hope and believe that getting to spring and warm sunshine will make a big difference. My exercise regime is a bit hit and miss now, but hopefully come the warmer weather I can ratchet that up a few notches and that should also help.
We will see soon enough, I suppose. As ever, I ask you to Share this with your circle, and would welcome any comments or advice or criticism, no matter how trivial or brutal - it all helps and makes the effort more worthwhile. It might also help sort out these mindspace issues as well, ease the confusion I often feel.
Thanks, and stay safe, all.
Ok - sorry to hear this continues for you. Depression is a horrible thing to experience but equally something that everyone experiences. As such, there is a huge amount of research into it and tried and tested methods for resolving it.
ReplyDeleteBelow I’m condensing 20 years of life changing therapy, a psychology degree and a career coaching and guiding others that I think will really help you and others. I can’t stress enough how much more value you’ll get from seeing a therapist (details on that below).
So some top tips and bit of cognitive psychology from me….
1. Keep a thought record for a week. Every time you have moments of sadness or feel blue, write down: a) what are the thoughts (eg “my family annoy me” “I hate my dog” <- I’m giving extremes to demonstrate that you’re totally allowed to think whatever you want) b) what the feelings are (eg. Sad, frustrated, worried - be specific. “Name it and tame it”) is the rule to live by) c) what you were doing when they started (eg “I was washing up and thinking about how many things I have to do today”). After a week, go back through your record and look for themes for a, b and c - the cognitive “root” (eg. Beliefs) of the depression will be those themes. Once you know the root, you can start to challenge those beliefs in careful and experimental ways.
2. There’s a ridiculous modern myth that we should always be happy and that anything less than that makes us a failure. That’s not really what evolutionary biology tells us. Our emotions (particularly, sadness, anger, anxiety and disgust) have survived millions of years of evolution for a reason - to protect us. Happiness is really a temporary balm that we apply when we need it and as a result we only experience fleetingly and rarely. It’s a reward, a treat, for when we achieve something. All mammals are reward driven (think food, sex, warmth - we’re simple really). We can feel content and satisfied, but actual joy is quite rare when you think about it. What we mostly experience when we’re not experiencing difficult emotions is a state of lability which we usually interpret as contentment or satisfaction. Depression robs us of that because in a state of “learned helplessness” we attend to our reality from a position of threat. So really two lessons:
a) try to accept the emotions and process rather than stop them, you can’t outrun evolution
b) listen to your emotions, they are trying to protect you. Your thought diary will help you identify from exactly what.
3. Depression is thought to stem from a cognitive model of learned helplessness. You can read about some experiments that tested this pretty comprehensively by making dogs depressed (60s psychology was WILD). As mammals we need to feel that we have control and agency over our environment. Learned helplessness happens when, over time or because of something traumatic like death or a pandemic, that we don’t have control or agency. We feel disempowered and hopeless which generally leads to an overarching feeling of “what’s the point?“ “it’s all meaningless” and “I’m pointless”. Those beliefs will, over time make us less energised and sad. BOOM = depression. The best thing you can do when you’re depressed is to be deeply realistic about that you can actually control. We call this behavioural activation. You can list out what you need to do and tick things off, you can do some exercise and you can do things that give you a sense of achievement. The things you can’t control or can’t influence, cut them out of your life for a bit until the clouds clear.
Part 2...
ReplyDelete4. News and social media industries KNOW the above. They know that humans are naturally attuned to looking for threats and have built very powerful industries that keep people feeling worried and therefore looking for certainty. Unsurprisingly there is a HUGE amount of evidence that following the news is a recipe for helplessness since it tells us terrible things that we can’t control, so I’d recommend not reading it unless there’s something specific you need to find out (covid restrictions if you’re travelling for example). Social media ignites the same parts of our brains as addiction does and addiction ultimately exacerbates depression because it reinforces the idea that we don’t have agency. Delete or take a break from Facebook. It’s not a happy place and what you’ll find on there is not within your control. Change to a different messaging service (email or WhatsApp are good options) until you’re feeling ready to cope with the woes of the world on Facebook.
5. Exercise. I can’t state this enough. You have a whole bunch of neurotransmitters (chemical messengers that regulate our emotions and behaviours) that are literally there to make you feel good. Antidepressants cause those neurotransmitters to work either harder or longer (or both) but exercising releases the three most important ones for mood (norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine). It also makes you tired, and a good nights sleep is essential to beating depression.
6. On antidepressants - take them if you need to. Modern SSRIs have very few side effects and are categorically not addictive. The biggest pharmaceutical spend on the NHS is on these drugs. 1 in 7 adults are on them at any time. They are brilliant, wonderful inventions and they will save your life. Everyone will experience depression in their lifetime. Everyone. Don’t for a second think there is any shame in experiencing it or needing drug treatment. Why is our brain the only organ in our body that we feel ashamed about when it’s not working properly? Liver, lungs, heart are all sources of empathy but brains… no. Humans need to get over that.
7. Get help from professionals. You will not solve this on your own. There are GREAT online psychotherapy platforms now where you can talk to a therapist from the comfort of your own home. https://www.betterhelp.com/ is the best one and extremely reasonably priced. Go there NOW and get registered and you’ll be chatting to a therapist within a few days. You can also follow this absolutely brilliant workbook and if you do - to the letter - you’ll be in a much better place to manage your depression: https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Depression
Part 3
ReplyDelete8. Express gratitude. When we’re depressed we tend to think that everything - including ourselves - is terrible. But everything is not terrible (this is why reading the news is a bad idea), we all have things in our lives that we can celebrate. Writing down 3 things every night that you’re grateful for - big or small - helps to break down that depressed cognition. “I’m grateful for… my partner…my ability to write…the experiences I have…that the cat didn’t puke today”.
9. Keep connecting with others. We’re social creatures - even us introverts need other humans - and we’ve evolved as such. We’re hardwired for community, empathy and sharing. Those walks in the mall and zoom calls are essential to your nature. Perhaps you could enrol on an online course to make new connections and friends? Similar interests are a good starting point for any relationship. This gives you “you time” away from the wife, kids and pets.
10. And finally… be kind to yourself. This is a lifetime of thinking that has eventually caught up with you and navigating your way to a not depressed version of yourself takes time and care. It isn’t your fault, life (and death really) are depressing and no one is immune from that. Be realistic about your expectations - you won’t be the SAME you when you’re through the other side of depression, you’ll be a stronger and more resilient you with a different lens to view life through. Being kind to yourself will help you be kind to others who will then be kind to you.