A State of Mind......

 

The thing about depression, I think, is that it's a bloody sneaky ailment.  It creeps up on you suddenly.  You can be feeling perfectly ok, if a bit crotchety or under par, but put it down to factors beyond your control - the weather, tough times at work, latterly Covid - whatever.  Then one day you wake up and it hits you. You are not simply pissed off about these things: you are really really REALLY unhappy about them.  It's beyond anger. Mere frustration is gone. Forget a little bit sad.  You are Depressed.

This can happen relatively quickly, a matter of weeks.  Or it can be dragged out over months - years even.  You don't want to get up.  You don't know what to do, how to face it.  You want to shut yourself away somewhere and wallow in self pity.  Every little thing that is not right (in your befuddled brain) makes you blubber like a two year old.  Your appetite goes.  Your concentration levels drop through the floor.  You no longer see the point in carrying on with your life as it is now.  Self esteem is a thing of the past.   In extreme cases, you think about topping yourself: thankfully I'm not at that level.  You know you need help, need to talk to someone, but put it off - if you're a bloke probably because you think it makes you look soft and a bit wussy.....not "Manly".  Which is of course just stupid and only adds to the problem.

I suppose it's a bit like being a junkie or an alcoholic - or any other kind of addict for that matter.  Until you own up to being one, you can't do anything about it.  Acceptance that you have a problem is the first step to solving it, isn't it?  Sure, it's frightening - the Fear Factor looms large at this early point in the cycle because it means you have to make changes to your life, to the way you are, and change is always hard to accept. It can also often be harder to achieve, whether the change is large or small.  It means stepping out of your comfort zone, even if that comfort zone is an increasingly miserable existence.  But facing your fear is part of the cure (if that's the right word) and you have to gird your loins and get on with it.

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You may have guessed by now that this is a battle I'm going through at the moment - else why write about it?  If this Blog is about anything, it's about me and what I think and do and read and believe (why call it This World, This life otherwise?).  It's a personal thing, and lets the handful of people who read the damn thing - mostly people I know, I believe - understand how I am and what I'm up to, what things are annoying me or have captured my attention at any given time. The answer to that of course is not a lot just lately.

I've written previously about how my retirement has not gone the way I had planned, what with various accidents and hospitalizations, the bloody pandemic messing with my mind, feeling cooped up and bored, a whole bunch of other stuff too long to detail (and little of it important in the broader scheme of things)......  All of this is true, and are factors in the conviction that I am Depressed.  That this insidious ailment has piled in, taken advantage of a mind and body that has without doubt been weakened over the last year and a bit, and left me in, frankly, a bit of a state.  A couple of very minor things happened last month that convinced me that something really was wrong with me beyond just middle aged mood swings - the details don't really matter - so I broached the subject with my wife and one of my kids. 

Their understanding was an immediate fillip, and have helped me accept the situation and face the initial fear.  My son has some training and experience in mental health issues, and was able to advise me and provide me with an initial list of reading materials and apps that may help me, and advised me a little about what to do next (including an advice to seek professional help).  Another understanding relative threw his doors open to me for a couple of weeks, as a means of getting out of Warsaw and away from home, a change of scenery for some rest and relaxation away from distractions to try and get my head a bit straighter and decide what to do next.  I thank them all for their interventions. They have set me on the right road, I think.

It's still early days, but I do feel a little easier.  I know there is a lot still to do to get back to where I want to be - where I should be, both mentally and physically - but it's a start.  The trip did indeed help and the figurative load feels a little lighter.  I have good days and bad days, the shadow still falls on me sometimes, often at unexpected times and without any rhyme or reason, but I feel positive.  I'm glad I spoke out when I did, and more by luck than judgement chose the right people.  

This is a journey, one I never expected to face, and I'm not sure where it will lead me just yet.  I intend to chronicle at least some of it - I hope that doing so will somehow be cathartic, help me work through some of the emotional baggage - and I hope too that many poor people follow the tale.  Depression is a topic that is no longer off-limits, and can now be talked about more openly without any loss of face, so I urge anyone who reads this to Share it with any Friends and Family - especially those going through the same stuff.   Who knows, it may help them too simply by seeing and hearing from someone else going through similar experiences, good and bad, and that can be helpful in my view.  My dear old Mum, God rest her Soul, always used to insist that "a problem shared is a problem solved", and so far I've found that to be truism.  There is space here to Comment and start a conversation on anything I've written about, and I would dearly welcome any dialogue - even it's simply to tell me I'm a bit of a prat and don't know what I'm talking about. 

So....let's go.